A Social Experiment with Wedding Gift Money

An acquaintance who was about to get married reached out to me. For more than two months, we kept in touch, asking how each other was doing and exchanging small talk. Our conversations were longer than usual, and their tone was warm. From the moment they first contacted me, I suspected they were trying to draw closer in advance so they could receive a wedding cash gift. That suspicion never went away as our conversations continued.

Still, I congratulated them and said I hoped the couple would care for each other and build a good life together. I also sent chugui-geum, the customary Korean cash gift for a wedding, before the ceremony. They thanked me, surprised that I had sent it even though the wedding had not yet taken place.

Then my birthday came before the wedding. It was displayed in the messenger app. Yet the acquaintance I had been talking with for more than two months sent no birthday message and showed no reaction. Would it have been the same if I had not sent the gift yet? The question brought my original suspicion back.

The Hope That I Was Wrong

I had a reason for being suspicious from the start. I had seen this person put their own needs first several times in similar situations. Even as I sent the money, I figured there was about a 50 percent chance that, once they received it, they would no longer check in on me. Talking for more than two months had not made me trust them in a new way. I chose to treat them well first despite my doubts.

Even so, I hoped I was wrong. I did not want to assume that past behavior had already settled what they would do next. Perhaps they might respond differently if I treated them with enough kindness. That was all I meant by not wanting to give up my faith in people. When my birthday passed without a response, I felt less shocked than disappointed that something I had hoped would be different had turned out just as I expected.

That does not mean I am demanding repayment for the wedding gift. Wanting my money back and wanting some care in return are two different things. I acknowledged an important day in their life, and I expected at least a brief greeting on my birthday. Having that expectation does not make the congratulations I offered any less sincere.

Checking In After the Gift

What stayed with me was the contrast between two scenes. Before the wedding, our conversations continued for more than two months. On my birthday after I had sent the gift, there was not even a brief greeting. They may have had a reason for missing my birthday. But considering that possibility does not require me to erase my disappointment every time. Just as they may have had their circumstances, I can revise what I expect from the relationship.

I cannot conclude that every message was only about receiving a wedding gift. There is also no way to compare what would have happened in the same situation if I had not sent it, so this was closer to a personal observation than a controlled experiment. Still, I realized that longer conversations did not necessarily mean our relationship had improved. The experience was enough to make me expect less from the idea that being kinder would change them.

The belief that a relationship can change if I treat someone well first contains an expectation that they will respond to my kindness. But I can offer congratulations; I cannot make someone care for me. If I search for more ways to be kind whenever that person shows me no interest, I end up carrying the relationship alone. This time, before asking what more I could do for them, I decided to look at what they were doing for the relationship too.

Reaching Out First, Trusting a Little at a Time

I still want to be the person who reaches out first. Some people may drift apart simply because both wait for the other to call. If I do not want to become isolated, there will be times when I need to ask how someone is doing first. What I call taking the initiative is the choice to create an opening for a relationship in that way.

What I changed this time comes after that first step. I will still offer kindness first, but I will invest substantial time in helping someone or entrust them with an important request only after seeing whether they also care for the relationship. I think of this as “proactive kindness with conditional deepening,” or “trust in installments.” It is not a calculation that expects repayment in the same amount. It means trusting someone a little more as I see them remember what I said, keep their promises, and respect my refusal.

I do not want to give up my faith in people. But I also do not want to preserve that faith by pretending I did not see how someone behaved. I will keep asking how people are doing first. I simply will not promise greater help based only on the hope that someone will eventually change because I treated them well first.