Some Thoughts I’ve Been Having Lately About How I Treat People

If we talk only briefly, I still hope the conversation makes that person's day a little happier.

When I first came to the United States, I thought there must be something special about networking. People talked constantly about networking and small talk, and the university had every kind of group. At the start of each semester, I often saw students moving around in groups. Members of sororities would wear matching clothes and chant together. When I saw people going that far, I wondered whether they knew something I did not. Did I need to join a group and meet many people so that those connections would help me later? Was this simply how networking worked in America?

After watching for a while, though, I was not so sure. The people in those groups did not always seem especially close, and I could not tell whether they were doing anything especially useful together. Of course, they were there because they enjoyed it, and they probably gained something from it. I just stopped believing that there was some great secret inside those groups. When I think about it, Korea is not that different. Much of life with other people is similar wherever you go.

What I learned was less about the difference between America and Korea and more about what matters to me in relationships.

Genuine care seems rarer than I expected

There are many kind people. Many will smile and talk when they first meet you, and many will say that they hope things go well for you. In the United States, people are often friendly from the first meeting, and I like that.

What I mean by genuine care, however, seems a little different. It means taking a real interest in someone and simply wanting that person to do well. I do not mean only that one project goes well. I hope the person is doing well emotionally, staying healthy, getting along with the people around them, and generally living a good life. And if something truly important happens and there is a way I can help, I want to be willing to do something concrete.

I began to think that this kind of care is not very common. I do not mean that everyone is insincere. I do not always go through life caring that deeply about everyone either. My thoughts went in the other direction. If I believe this is rare, perhaps I should start by trying to live that way myself.

I can be a little warmer even with someone I just met

I used to think small talk itself was mostly useless. A long conversation with little substance still does not suit me very well. But I can think differently about why people make small talk.

I do not have to become close to someone because I expect to get something from them later. I may never see that person again. Even so, I can hope that the few minutes they spent talking with me left them feeling a little better. I can greet a new person more warmly, ask one more question because I am genuinely curious, or simply say something when I notice a good quality in them. It does not have to be a grand gesture.

If I had to put into words how I want to treat people these days, it would be this. If someone wants to know me, I hope knowing me turns out to be a piece of good fortune in their life. If we only talk for a moment, I hope that conversation makes their day a little happier. When a relationship becomes deeper, what I want for that person will naturally become broader. Whether or not the person is useful to me, I simply want their life as a whole to go well.

Seen this way, small talk may not be entirely pointless. A conversation does not always have to create a network or produce some future benefit. If a short exchange can make someone feel a little better, that has value of its own.

Good intentions are not enough

Once I got this far, another thought bothered me. No matter how sincerely I want someone else to do well, I cannot offer much real help if I have no ability. If someone comes to me with an important problem and I know nothing about it, all I can do is say that I hope things work out.

That is why I also need to keep building my skills. Having a good heart and becoming capable are not separate matters. If I truly want to help other people, I have to become someone who can actually do something.

I had a similar thought while watching RESCENE receive more attention. Even if Woni gave people a reason to notice the group, would that attention have continued as it has if the members did not have their current looks, dance skills, and overall caliber? Publicity matters only when there is something solid underneath it. It can show more people what already exists, but it cannot create what is not there.

People are similar. Being good at small talk, knowing many people, and promoting yourself are all real abilities. But those things alone do not make me fundamentally valuable. I still need substance. To me, that means more than specialized knowledge. It includes solving problems, making sound judgments, carrying work through to a finished result, and understanding people.

Networking for its own sake does not suit me

I am currently pursuing a PhD, but I do not see the degree itself as the final goal of my life. I see this period as an important chance to develop expertise in one field, become better at solving real problems, and produce visible results. Later, I want to connect what I have built here to broader work or to a business.

That does not mean I want to do the bare minimum in the PhD program. If I am going to invest several years in it, I should gain as much skill and achieve as much as I can. If I do good research, produce strong results, write papers, and genuinely collaborate with other people, some of them will come to know what kinds of problems I solve well. Professors and researchers who have worked with me may introduce me to others.

To me, those relationships may be far more meaningful than knowing someone by sight after meeting at a few gatherings. That does not mean I want to avoid people. I can attend conferences and seminars, talk with people I find interesting, and try things together when there is a real reason to do so. If I start a business later, I will have to meet far more people than I do now, and the ability to connect people will matter.

I just do not want to spend too much energy merely joining a group or increasing the number of people I know. Building what I am good at and what I have actually done, then connecting with people through that work, suits me better than networking for the sake of networking. The more I can actually bring to a relationship, the more there will be for both people to exchange when we meet.

What I want should not be the only thing that grows

I want to make a lot of money. I want to build a business, have influence, and become exceptionally good in at least one field. I do not want to pretend those ambitions do not exist.

But lately I have felt that there is something lacking in an effort that piles up only money because I want money, only power because I want power, or only popularity because I want popularity. I also need to grow into a person capable of holding and using those things well.

My skills should grow, and I should have real work to show for them. My judgment should improve, and so should the way I treat people. I should be able to use what I have in ways that help people other than myself. I hope my ability, accomplishments, judgment, character, and good actions can grow together instead of only one of them getting bigger.

If I suddenly had ten times as much money, that would not make me ten times better as a person. More influence would not automatically improve my judgment. If what a person possesses grows before the person is ready, it may simply enlarge the problems that were already there.

So what I want to develop is less one particular number such as money or fame and more the person I am as a whole. If I eventually gain many of the things I want, I also need to become someone who can hold and use them properly. What I have matters, but so does the kind of person who has it.

I do not have to give this up to do business

I want to build a business. But I am not convinced that doing business requires me to treat people only as part of a calculation.

I would rather have a customer feel that doing business with me was good for them. If someone worked with me, I hope they can look back and feel that the time helped their life too. I want business partners to think that working together was a good decision, not that meeting me left them worse off.

Of course, that does not mean I intend to absorb every loss. I should charge what I am owed, read contracts carefully, and reject terms that are bad for me. Wanting the other person to do well and protecting my own fair share are not opposites.

The same applies to small talk. If I run a business, I will meet and speak with many more people, but I do not have to turn every conversation into a process for using someone. If we are going to talk anyway, I can hope that the person feels a little better afterward. If we happen to understand each other and find something worth doing together, that is good too.

In fact, someone who is capable, produces good results with others, and also treats people with genuine care may be very strong in business. I do not think I have to choose between sincerity and business, or between warmth and success.

I want to succeed. I want to do good research, make a lot of money, and build a business. I want to become capable and influential. But I do not think I need to give up treating people warmly along the way.

If someone has known me, I hope that knowing me was, if possible, a piece of good fortune in their life. If we spoke only briefly, I hope talking with me made that day at least a little better. And I do not want to be someone who only feels that way. I want to become capable of actually doing something when an important moment arrives in another person’s life.

For that to happen, my ability and my capacity as a person need to grow along with my heart.